A Small Price to Pay
Tim West
My Story
Breast cancer changed my life in unexpected ways. I’ve always been what I considered to be a fairly “enlightened” husband. When my wife and I first got married, we began our journey by assuming fairly traditional roles. I worked on the outside of the house (e.g. lawn and garden) and she worked on the inside (e.g. cooking and cleaning).
My wife is a professional, so she worked a full-time job. As fair compensation I have always tried to participate on the inside chores. But the truth is, she did more of the inside chores than I did. I just helped. This of course included laundry. While my wife and I may remember this story differently, the upshot is this. She did not fold my laundry correctly. She did not like the fact that I pointed this out. Therefore, I did my own laundry for the following thirty years.
The diagnosis of cancer, of course, hit us all very hard. We had all the typical range of emotions and fears. As we began to settle in to the routine of treatments, doctor visits and all the things that come with winning the battle, I began to pick up the slack on indoor duties. This included buying groceries, putting away groceries, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning toilets, changing the toilet paper, dusting, polishing, washing windows, mirrors, cooking, washing dishes, and chauffeuring our daughter to school. And, oh yes, I started doing her laundry. All of this was in addition to having a job that demanded constant travel. And while helping our kids “do life,” at one point I glimpsed what it must be like to be a single parent—and it was scary!
How I Got Through It
Even for someone as “enlightened” as I thought I had been, there were moments when these realities became quite depressing. I was getting up earlier than normal and staying up later than normal (when I had the energy). Thoughts came to my head, “I shouldn’t have to do all this.” “Surely there are some things she can do.” “I don’t like this.” “Maybe we should just hire a maid.” We were new to the area, so getting outside help was not a practicality (and I’m too tight to spend money on maids!).
Then I felt I heard a voice speak to me. I’m not talking about an audible hallucination, but still a voice inside me saying, “Don’t you love your wife more than all of these other things?” And I realized if cleaning toilets and doing laundry would help her get better, then it was a small price to pay.
Having played team sports on championship teams, I understood the value and necessity of working together to win the game. I had to maintain our home and take care of my wife and keep the family positive. I realized that my athletic training had prepared me in some subtle, albeit unforeseen, way. I had to parlay everything I had learned on the field into fighting cancer. I became the coach and quarter back whether I wanted to or not. This is what I had to be for this season of our life. After all, this trophy was really worth it.
Action Items
Take a few moments to identify some resources in your area for caregivers, or ask your doctor or social worker to supply a list the next time you go in. If you have a church family or other social group, let them help. Don’t try to do it all yourself. Make a list of chores that friends, family and neighbors can help you with. Then when they ask, pull out the list. And when they offer their assistance, let them know how much you appreciate their efforts and support.
Please leave a comment and share some of your ideas or resources.