Her Hero
Ezra McClary II
My Story
A very dear friend, after hearing about my mother’s breast cancer, told me the difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is in the questions they ask. Unsuccessful people ask: “Why? How? When?” Successful people only ask, “What next?” That really stuck with me. I needed to be successful with my mother who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. A few months passed by slowly. My friend’s words repeated in my head, so I decided to share them with my mom. With this new line of thinking, we continued through the process of doctor’s visits, check-ups, and the works. Things got better.
However, I let the negativity creep back in when I attended her first chemotherapy visit. I can remember holding my mother’s hand while the doctor explained that my mother would become very sick over the next three months. She described everything. The reality of cancer finally hit home and I broke down. All I could think of was a high-school glamour shot when my mom was 18-years old. She was always gorgeous. Now I was unsure if she would ever again enjoy the simplest pleasures of styling her hair for family photos.
As I was spiraling out of control, I looked deep into my mother’s eyes, and the strangest thing happened to me. I suddenly realized that the entire time the doctor was speaking, her heart and mind was still on me. It was on my reaction. I understood my mother was probably ten times more afraid than I was and I thought, “What kind of example am I showing to her? Certainly not a successful one?” I decided then and there that she needed me to be positive, and I would become the sorely needed hero she needed me to be. She definitely needed someone to help endure the tough months to come.
After I went home, I began sending her text messages and emails letting her know how much I missed her and loved her. I shared the thoughts of the real reasons I was afraid of losing her—because I loved her and our time together so much. I tried more and more to check in with her, providing her with a vessel in which to leave her worries. I listened to her for hours on bad days, encouraging her and supporting the nature that it is okay to be afraid, but also reminding her we were there to fight the battle together. Sometimes she just needed a laugh and a friendly reminder not to take life so seriously. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. Life is nothing without fun and joy, so let’s enjoy the present. She had several days when all I could do is pray with her. I instilled the idea that families can beat cancer together.
How I Got Through It
When my mother finally lost all of her hair, I shaved mine off as well. I keep a very curly Mohawk that was spanning eight inches at the time, and my wife was sad that I was shaving it off while being completely supportive of the reasons behind my act. I think my mother finally began to see that we were doing these things together. My strength began giving her strength. She pulled through and finished the chemotherapy. Then she made it through the first year since the diagnosis. She learned to occupy her mind with positivity, to accept life for what it was, and to enjoy once again the greatest blessing of her life, simply to be a mom to all of us, and that was all that really mattered.
It was I who learned the real lesson—that being a hero to her and for my family was something I should have been doing for all of them long before the cancer came. However, the diagnosis of cancer helped me find how to better show my mother and family what true love really is—it’s sacrificing yourself and whatever you may be feeling to encourage others to believe in themselves and accept another view of perception—one of comfort and appreciation. It has been an extremely hard lesson to learn. I am thankful though that I can enjoy the rest of our time, however much it may be, by being a rock for my mother and family, whenever they may feel trapped in the quicksand of life. There is no greater joy for me than to be the greatest example I can be to those who have been one for me.
Action Items
This is for the family, the caregivers of those who have a diagnosis of breast cancer. While you may be thinking of yourself during this difficult time, focus on your loved one. Be a sounding board and allow her to talk about her fears. Listen. Emphasize to her that you are on her team, that you will support her through this journey, and that you will be her hero as you go through the journey together. Take a moment to write down some encouraging words you can share with your loved. Put them on a card so you can carry them in your wallet and pull one out when it seems appropriate. If you are the patient, take a moment to write about your hero in the blog comments.