I Just Want to Help
Michael Weaver
My Story
When my wife was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt helpless because I could not actually fight the cancer for her. I knew it was difficult for her because she is a clinical social worker, so she is aware of what women with breast cancer may go through, having helped many women in this situation herself. As a doctor it was difficult for me too, because I am used to helping people with different illnesses. This was not my specialty, and now there was even less that I could do for her medically. However, I made a choice early on after her diagnosis that I would be a husband for her, and not her doctor.
To deal with my feelings of helplessness, I concentrated on what I could do to help. I intentionally narrowed my focus to those tasks that I could perform for her and tried not to think about what may happen down the road. I focused on specific things to do after the surgery, such as changing her bandage, helping her wash up, keeping track of her medication, and helping with childcare. I also tried very hard to remain optimistic, even when she became depressed or withdrawn. Doing specific tasks prevented me from feeling completely helpless and allowed me to take an active role in her recovery.
My wife has always prided herself on being a strong and independent woman. I have always admired her self-confidence and decisiveness. After the diagnosis, I sometimes saw a different side of her. Being confronted with having cancer is overwhelming. Everyone who has cancer can feel the fear, and those who say they do not are probably just trying to convince themselves otherwise. There were times when I could tell that my wife was scared, even when she tried to hide it. Those were the times when I was especially grateful when she accepted help from me, whether it was doing some small, specific task, or whether it was trying to comfort her and provide a sounding board for her to share some of the burdens that were on her heart. It was most rewarding for me to be able to comfort her, even if it was just to sit and share a quiet moment together.
After going through surgery and radiation therapy, my wife is an even better person as a breast cancer survivor. It was a good feeling for both of us as we went to subsequent doctor visits with her oncologist and heard that things looked good afterward. In a way, it was almost a little disappointing to no longer have the necessity of helping out with different things as I had done when she felt at her worst. Going through the experience of cancer was harrowing, but she seemed to have come through it even stronger. My wife became more of an advocate for her patients with cancer, and she could relate to them better. She returned to her fierce independence full-time.
Her strength was really put to the test a few years later when she was given a diagnosis of cancer in her other breast. I can’t even imagine how devastating this must have been for her. When she told me, that hollow feeling of helplessness crept inside me all over again. I don’t know whether it was because of her experience the first time, or whether it was all the other events going on in our lives at the time of the second diagnosis, but she somehow seemed to be more willing to accept help the second time around. I would like to say that things went completely smoothly, but even having been through it once is not enough to prepare for having to go through treatment all over again. As before, I admired her ability to put on a strong front. What I treasured the most, though, is when she allowed herself to be vulnerable and accept my help, always willingly given. I don’t think she has any idea of how much she helped me emotionally when she allowed me to help her, even in the mundane, everyday chores that needed to be done.
I became a doctor because I want to help people and to make a difference in the life of someone else. My wife is not my patient—I made that distinction long ago—but I still have the desire to help her and ease her pain. This is one of the most rewarding aspects of what I do for a living. One of the things that first attracted me to her is her strong will and her passion for different causes. What I continue to love about her is when she unveils that other side of herself. Her strength allows her to feel helpless with someone she loves. In this way we can complement each other. When she feels helpless, I can be there to help her, and when I feel helpless, she has the strength to show me her helplessness.
How I Got Through It
My wife is a two-time breast cancer survivor. I pray that we don’t have to go through another trial of this magnitude for either one of us to survive. I am grateful that I could be there to support her through this each time. I believe that we are both stronger for it.
The things that got me through this (and many other challenges in life) are my love for my wife and my faith in God. A Bible verse that I have treasured for many years has been a constant comfort to me: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13, NKJV).
Action Items
I believe it is important to not only show strength, but also to show your true feelings to those whom you love. Focusing on what you can do—even something small but helpful—can stop you from focusing only on what you cannot do. Reflect on how you can help in the Comment section, or in your private journal.