Month: January 2020

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Old Love

I witnessed old love at my aunt’s funeral today. Sixty-two years of marriage, and a few years of knowing each other before that left my uncle feeling a bit lightheaded and quite uncertain about the future, as well as unclear on what we were about to experience. One thing was clear…these two were very much in love. ❤️

I came to Ohio to ensure my uncle (my mother’s brother) had company on the nights before and after the funeral. I’m really glad I came. If mom was alive, she would have been the one to stay with him and keep him company. So, I came for her as much as I did for him. She would have wanted me here.

Last night I helped the family mount family photos on the display board, which would provide a gathering place for many stories during the viewing. Many memories were shared around the table as pictures continued to fill the display. More memories continued from some old pictures from my mom’s middle school photo album, of people and cars and houses. Pictures of ancestors to whom we could all relate.

One request she had was for the family (men) to wear suits. We got up early this morning, with plenty of time to eat and get ready. I had to check on him a few times. His frustration had mounted after numerous failed attempts to button the top button of his newly pressed shirt, which turned into changing clothes twice and a few meltdowns along the way. I managed to get it buttoned despite my own neuropathy ridden fingertips, only to have it unbutton itself a few minutes later.  Perhaps the tie will cover up the top button, he decided, and thus we left for a long day at the funeral home.

He insisted on driving, and I was not going to let him go by himself, so I rode with him in his Cadillac SUV rather than taking my car. He’s a pretty good driver for 84, quite frankly, although a bit slower on the reflexes as one might expect. This one thing continues to give him a sense of independence. He said the family should be there at 10:00 (viewing at 11 and funeral at 1:00), so 10:00 it was.

When we first arrived, he went straight for the casket. I gave him space to be alone with his wife, as we were the only two there. This is where I witnessed old love firsthand; it broke my heart to see them separated by the eternal mortality of life and death. He said several times through the sobbing, “this is the last time I’ll see her.” Even though he knows they will be together in Heaven one day, it is not quite the same. I was brought to tears as I thought of my own husband, and what he might have to endure if the cancer decides to take me Home. I saw an image of him sobbing over my body, feeling sad that he had to let our future on earth together end at this moment. 

Most of the time I was able to hold it together, and support my uncle with whatever he needed.

Several of my cousins were there, and it was wonderful to see them again, or for the first time. My first cousins, first cousins once removed, spouses, and close friends of the family.  I have not seen some of these people in many years, and I might not have recognized some of them if they were not introduced to me.  It seems I might even be related to the officiating pastor. He is related to many Centers out of Mount Sterling, Kentucky, so it is quite possible we are distant cousins.

I was asked to read the obituary, and so I did. Several friends and family gave some remarks, a couple of songs were played, and the pastor provided a message of hope to the congregation. The minister was confident my aunt was going Home based on conversations they have had in the past few weeks. He described her as a Proverbs 31 wife and was so glad to get to know them and support them in this time of need.

I regretted not having my car, as there was the question of how I would get to the cemetery from the funeral home when it came time. The family was riding in the limousine but there would not be room for me to ride. I was blessed with my cousin’s wife’s offer to drive her car, and even more thankful it had a good heating system. There was a light snowfall, barely visible, but cold enough to wear a coat and gloves and turn on the heated seats (if one had them). 

She will be placed in a mausoleum with her son who has been gone for more than ten years, and where my uncle will join her one day as well. The area was covered where we all gathered to pay our last respects and leave our handprint. The pastor’s message was brief. Psalm 23, another message of hope.

I chased the limo back to the funeral home, where lunch was waiting for us. The caterer prepared a nice meal of lasagna, chicken breasts, salad, mashed potatoes (comfort food), veggies, and some bread. Of course, there were cookies and brownies for dessert. I was glad to see my uncle eat a full meal, to know his appetite is back even if temporarily. 

As I write this, he is sitting in his room, their room of at least 15+ years in this particular house, their shared space for 62+ years, where he hasn’t come out since the funeral. At first, I thought he was changing clothes or taking a nap, but then I realized he was just sitting at the foot of their bed…staring…thinking…still dressed in his suit. I think he fell asleep while sitting there, staring into space. I did check on him to ensure he is okay, and I will continue to do so. I can’t imagine how hard it will be after I leave tomorrow. The house already feels empty without her here.

Á la prochaine…until next time…

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Doing Ministry Together

Tim and I are in Fort Myers for the Annual Regional Pastors’ Conference. Well, Tim is here for the conference, and I am here to spend time with the wives. And what a great time is has been so far! Being a pastor’s wife is one thing, but being a regional pastor’s wife…well, that’s another whole way of doing ministry together (and some of us do both). Regional pastoring involves a lot more travel from church to church, less connection to a local congregation or single location, and much more interaction with church problems as well as solutions. Pastoring is more deeply connected to one body. We are currently doing both as Tim is regional pastor for Texas, while helping the church in Vero Beach through their crisis as their interim pastor.

Pastoring has its ups and downs, as church members don’t always appreciate the hard work pastors put into their congregations. Sometimes they get stuck, or plateau. Sometimes church members are less than cordial (to put it nicely). It’s always a blessing when the church blesses the pastor.

Regional pastoring is like the next layer if you put it into organizational terminology. It involves coaching and encouraging pastors, and supporting congregations in crisis as well as in mountain-top experiences. The job is challenging, frustrating, exhilarating, rewarding, encouraging, exhausting, makes you want to shout hallelujah and makes you want to quit all at the same time. Yet, we love what we do as we know God has called us to this type of service. While it is my husband’s “job,” I am very much involved in the support of the church, and we love doing ministry together.

The regional pastors’ wives get together so infrequently we often forget each other’s names in between gatherings; but once we start talking it is as though we never had a separation. Some have been here for just a few years, and others for as many as 10, 12, or more. I have been a regional pastor’s wife for 12 years now. I haven’t always had the pleasure of attending these conferences due to my work schedule. This was the first time I got to come and just enjoy some time with the others. No work to get in the way. Yay!

The strength and personalities of these women have amazed me from the moment I woke up and had breakfast with them today. Walking around the Outlet Mall and bumping into each other in various stores (while finding some great deals) was so rewarding. It’s such an honor to be in the presence of all these fascinating women, with whom we are doing ministry together. I have received a lot of laughter medicine over the past couple of days. Here is a funny story, told by one of the regional pastor’s wives who shall remain nameless (she did give me permission to share her story.)

In her younger days, she tried her hand at arts and crafts. She began making these angels out of wood and other crafty items. She attached a scripture about His angels watching over you. She gave them away and people even purchased these little angels. Years later she realized the scripture she quoted came from the words of Satan, who was tempting Jesus to jump off the mountain, not the original version in Psalms. Insert rimshot! 😂

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways…

Psalm 91:11

Á la prochaine…until next time!

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New Lesions?

There always seems to be an underlying reminder that cancer is still in my body. I have Stage IV, Metastatic Breast Cancer (terminal), with mets to the bones, liver, lungs, and brain. The brain, liver and lungs are clear (praise God!), and my bones have been stable for quite a while. But last week’s MRI of the brain indicated some “growth” in a lesion on my left front of the skull. It’s behind my left eye.

I got calls from my oncologist today, twice, and he’s still waiting to hear back from the radiologist. I love my oncologist as he is so diligent about finding information and giving it to me. He doesn’t sit on his laurels waiting for information. He seeks it out until we know what we know. Here is what we now know:

  1. The brain is clear. No new lesions, and the old ones are gone.
  2. I have mets to the bones. When first diagnosed (2016), it was in my ribs, spine, and skull, but these tumors and lesions have either disappeared or stabilized for quite some time.
  3. I also had mets to the liver, lungs, and brain, which have also disappeared and stabilized over the past couple of years.
  4. There is a change in a tiny (1cm) bone lesion we never knew existed. It is in the front left part of my skull, but none of the reports prior to this one seem to indicate it was ever there, yet there is mention that it grew since October of last year.
  5. There is another lesion showing up in the right front part of my skull.
  6. All other skull lesions are unchanged.
  7. The radiologist will review all of my pictures for the past year or so and see when these frontal lesions first showed up, and hopefully provide us with ore information.
  8. I am scheduled to have a bone scan on February 3rd. The bone scan will tell us whether it is activity or a result of treatment.
  9. He has scheduled for some additional blood work on February 3rd to check my tumor markers. That should provide us more information on whether it is further metastasis.
  10. I am already being treated, so at this point he doesn’t think we will change anything regarding treatment, but we need to know what we are dealing with.

Here’s what we don’t know, and hopefully will find out from the radiologist after he looks at the sequence of pictures more closely.

  1. We don’t know whether I will need additional treatment or tests besides those already scheduled.
  2. We don’t know yet when the lesion first appeared.
  3. We don’t know if my left eye issues could be related to the lesion in my skull. It is directly behind my left eye.
  4. We don’t know if this is cancerous activity (increase in metastasis), or a result of treatment showing up on the scans, or how fast it is growing if it is metastasis.

I’ll keep you posted as soon as I hear more. I am not worried, and my doctor is not worried about it either. We will keep praising God, pressing on, living life, and deal with whatever we learn along the way.

Á la prochaine…until next time!

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It’s Been a Long Week!

I’m back at the Airport, waiting for my flight. Yesterday back to MD Anderson, getting treatment. I learned the hard way you need to call your doctor and update the insurance in advance. This is the first time in ten years I have had new insurance, so I just didn’t think. I was fortunate they got everything approved for the week, but it was a bit scary for a few moments. It’s been a long week of doctor visits, MRI, and treatment. I flew in Monday morning and go back to Florida today. I got upgraded to First Class, so at least it will be a relaxing flight!

I got to see two of my grand babies several times this week. It was so much fun watching them play and hearing Paige say so many new words and phrases. She mimics as well. So cute! I didn’t get to see the others this week, so we are making plans for next time. Plane is about to board, so I’m off for now.

Á la prochaine…until next time!

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My Big Toe Feels SOOOOO Much Better!

I’m so glad I’m not working this week! It is a full-time job just keeping up with my doctors’ visits. Further, every time I see someone they give me something else to do…or take.

I started the day off with a dental cleaning. Funny enough, I got lost. I know…Tim is shaking his head if he is reading this. I went down the right road; I just didn’t go far enough. Funny how things look so different when you have been out of town for a few weeks. At any rate…everything looks great! I do have some inflammation beneath my bridge, so she showed me how to clean it without the expensive of a water pick. If you have any ideas on a good water pick, please let me know! I also told her about the osteoarthritis in my right TMJ that showed up in my MRI. This is where I had pain a couple of years ago, went to a dental oncologist (yes, they have those specialists as well), who ruled out cancer mets in the jaw. If ever you get a scan, you will learn all kinds of things about your body you never knew existed.

“But I thought this post was about your toe?” You asked. Yes, I do chase rabbits a bit, but not so fast lately since my big toe has been in such pain (😂). Where was I? Oh yeah…the toe. One of the lovely side-effects of chemo is nail problems. That includes all 20 nails…not just a few. Some people lose their nails, but I have not lost them yet. I do have very brittle nails, and my fingernails split down the middle. And my toes get infected as the nails lift just a bit when stubbed, letting water in. I have become good friends with my podiatrist over the past several years with various problems related to my feet, toes in particular.

I won’t go into all the gross details, but my right big toe has been so sore lately. Apparently I had a deeply imbedded ingrown toenail. I have to tell you it does not feel good–correction–it HURTS–when you have an already sore toe and the doctor has to dig it out. 😲 I felt almost immediate relief after he was finished though, and I can actually sleep without the sheets hurting my big toe. More medicine, more processes to do, and another possible solution – open-toe sandals. Fortunately we are living in Florida for another month!

Á la prochaine…until next time…

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Brain MRI and Left EYE

Yesterday I had my MRI of the brain. Fortunately, I still have a brain. 😂 🧠 I was so happy I didn’t have to drive downtown to get the MRI. Now that they have the machine in The Woodlands, I will follow-up with my doctors there. Much less drama! It is so much easier now that they have the little mirror inside. I slept most of the way through it, but I did have to squeeze the little ball about half-way through…I had to sneeze! 🤧

This morning I met with my eye doctor, to re-check my left eye. It has been getting much better since he prescribed the “miracle drops.” More drops continue. Also adding HydroTears (Flax). I took flaxseed for quite a while and then stopped, as I was trying to save on supplemental costs. Seems it was doing me some good after all. 🤔 I will put flax back on my daily list of supplements, and follow-up with him once more in February.

MRI of the Brain: Wednesday afternoon I heard the results of my MRI from a new PA in The Woodlands. My brain is clear, and no new lesions are forming. Praise the Lord! However, there was one result notated that made me tilt my head with a question. I’m still waiting to hear back from my medical oncologist as to what this all means. Too bad I didn’t have the MRI and then see him. The report described some lesions in the skull. I have a small lesion in the bone marrow on the left side of the frontal skull that was slightly bigger. The last reader did not mention it in October, but this reader noticed it had grown slightly (from 13mm to 16mm), so it is not new. I’ve had mets to the skull since the beginning, so this part is not a surprise.

There are multiple possible reasons for the increase. It could be the treatment is working, meaning it cleaned out the marrow and now the spot that was a lesion is now showing up on the scan. This is often the case with treatment to bone mets. If the cancer is gone, the bone can regrow. Isn’t God good? He made our bodies with the ability to self-heal.

It is also possible this could be an increase in cancer activity. The MRI is inconclusive as it primarily looks at soft tissue, so they will do additional tests to determine next steps. I have a whole body bone scan scheduled for February 3rd, which is my normal procedure every 3-5 months. I am not worried, as it does not do any good to add worry to the mix of everything else we are going through. Please pray this is a result of treatment and there is no evidence of active disease (NEAD).

In case you have been paying close attention, and are wondering, the doctor does not think there is any connection between the bone mets in the left frontal skull and the left eye problems I have been experiencing. I will mention it to my eye doctor, but it is highly unlikely as the mets are in the bone marrow.

If you want to know more about bone metastasis and what it looks like, WebMD has a good slideshow. Or, Click here for an image. You will see all the holes and rough edges in someone’s bone. Yes, this can be painful, and I do get backaches, but fortunately God has blessed me with a high tolerance for pain.

Á la prochaine…until next time…

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Back in Texas

This trip is on my own. Tim is staying in Florida where he hopes to get lots of work done while I am gone. I am sure he will ride to the church very early in the morning, as is his habit, and work late as well.

Monday morning I left Sebastian at 4:00 AM, with a driver from the church who does this as a ministry…he drives people to the airport. It was a lovely ride and I felt so blessed to have him take me especially so early in the morning! The plane arrived early and picked up my rental (upgraded to a Mercedes! Woo Hoot!). I drove to MDAnderson in The Woodlands just in time for my oncology appointment at 10:00 Central time. This was the first of five doctor’s visits this week–not because they think something else is wrong–because I am cramming all my appointments into one week while I am in town. He scheduled all my scans and ensured we are up-to-date on everything. Routine visit…not much to report.

I got to see two of my grand-babies. I took Elizabeth on some errands, and we took Paige while Gabe stayed at home with Daddy. It was so good to see those smiling faces when I arrived! They were fighting over who got to be held by Nana. They love to see me, and my heart was full. 🤗

It’s good to be home, in my own bed.

Á la prochaine…until next time.

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Speaking Gig!

I will be sharing my story at Pathway Church of God in Vero Beach, Florida on Sunday, January 19th during the Sunday School hour (8:45 – 9:45 AM) in the Chapel. You will hear humorous, serious, and not-so-fun medical experiences, and how God has shown up in miraculous ways to care for me and Tim along the way.  I will also share insight for caregivers based on real patient stories.

Perhaps some of you would like to come and hear me speak, and then join us for the worship service that day. We would love to see you!

Pathway Church (Chapel)

1105 58th Ave

Vero Beach, FL 32966

The breast cancer journeyShar

Á la prochaine…until next time…

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Eye, Eye, Doctor

My left eye assaulted me with hot red agony and tearing up for nearly four months as we moved toward the Christmas holiday. It only got slightly better after three visits to my optometrist, with several rounds of steroids and antibiotics. “It’s not infected,” was his final assessment. It’s just inflamed, swollen, runny, and red. Unsure about why it is not getting better with the extensive treatment, I asked about my breast cancer.

Could this be metastasis? Providentially, he just had a conversation with someone about breast cancer metastasizing to the eye, which did raise an eyebrow for concern. It didn’t present like typical metastasis. Usually a tumor pressed on the optic nerve causing a sudden change in vision. My vision has been relatively stable, with the exception of tearful blurriness. After a few more tests and listening to my concerns, he referred me to a specialist to diagnose and rule out metastasis.

Dr. Singh is a six-figure corneal and external disease specialist in the Houston area, whose compassion to help people drew him into this field. Nearly every doctor in the greater Houston area refers patients to him for special concerns, so when you go to his office you know you will have a long wait. He did my cataract surgery back in 2016, and took care of my dry eyes about two years ago. I have confidence in his expertise, but I always take something to do, as I know I’ll be in for at least two episodes of Andy Griffith and two more Friends while I sit. Fortunately, he has an office in The Woodlands, just 15 minutes from our house.

On the last working day of the year, Dr. Singh examined my eyes with close scrutiny. After ruling out possible breast cancer metastasis (yay!), he looked up Herceptin and Perjeta to determine any possible side effects of my infusions. My tear duct is completely closed, resulting in the tears draining down my face. The chemo also causes this, apparently. It seems like I have multiple side effects that are more of an annoyance than anything, but I’ll take it to remain stable. We’ll just add one more to the list.

At the end of the day, we ended up with his magic medicine, a special compounded eye drop, not covered by insurance, requiring a trip downtown to an exclusive compounding pharmacy. We enjoyed a pleasant ride through Bellaire, and other wealthy areas in Houston. The pharmacy also contained a gift shop notably placed for affluent shoppers.

After less than one week on the magic drops, my eye is looking much better! I think we have finally found the solution to the immediate problem. I will follow-up when I’m in town two weeks from now, as there is a concern this could continue to surface. Hopefully no more procedures will be needed, which will yet be determined.

Á la prochaine…until next time.

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It’s About Time…Off

It’s almost official. I filed for a leave of absence to take effect the first quarter of this year. My boss was so understanding, as expected. I looked at the calendar and the first week of classes will consist of doctor’s visits, scans, chemo, and more visits every single day of the week. It hurts my brain and makes me anxious to think about juggling it all–work around doctor’s appointments, carry my computer with me everywhere I go, and worry about whether I will stay caught up or get “dinged” for not completing a task.

It’s so liberating to have that off my plate!

We have been contemplating this for a while, and downsized in expectation of the time I would take off. I’ve been fighting the MBC battle for three years now, so I feel like I’ve paid my dues. We finally took the leap. Now I can focus on my health, and staying healthy. We can enjoy life while I am still feeling good, while also helping Tim in combined ministry efforts. We will re-evaluate at the end of the term and decide whether this will be permanent retirement, but it’s likely going to be. Maybe I will have more time to blog and help others who are going through this crazy journey.

Á la prochaine…Until Next Time!

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