It’s official! I filed for SSDI (Social Security Disability Income), and I was approved! Woo Hoot! Early Retirement is what I call it. 😃 I have also been approved for (LTD) Long Term Disability through my company’s insurance. I got my first check in the mail today! (Still waiting for SSDI to kick in, as the government is a bit slower than the insurance company LOL😂).
When I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer (MBC) almost four years ago, I immediately qualified for disability. That’s what I was told. “But, I don’t feel disabled,” I thought. I can walk. I can talk. I have use of my arms and hands. I could even do my job from anywhere as long as I had Internet and my laptop. I am a task-oriented person, and I have always had a strong work ethic. “You don’t work…you don’t eat,” was my motto (and still is, as long as you are able). I did accept a handicap plate for my car early on, for those days when I was doing chem and didn’t feel like walking as far. But the wheelchair on the plate made me feel a bit like an imposter.
Just because someone doesn’t look disabled, doesn’t mean they aren’t.
Even though I would qualify as disabled, I wanted to keep working for a variety of reasons. I felt more productive than I thought I would feel not working. I didn’t want to lose my sense of purpose. I have spent the past ten years developing my professional identity as a counselor educator and supervisor. It is difficult to let go of part of your identity–not that I have to completely–but working full-time in this position has provided me a reason to get up, get dressed, and connect with other professionals. I genuinely enjoyed my job and felt like I was helping people. I put my all into my job, maintained high performance scores and even earned multiple awards. To manage it all, I let go of any extracurricular activities. Fighting cancer became my main activity outside of work and family.
I admit I probably put a bit too much stock in what people might think if I stopped working. I had this theory that people look at you differently when you are not working. I thought they might think of me as “lazy” or “irresponsible.” However, we knew this day would eventually come. From the point of diagnosis, Tim and I talked about what it would look like if I went on disability.
We could send more quality time together, while I’m still feeling good. Perspective changes significantly when you don’t know how much life you have left, or whether you will even make it to the day you retire. Sometimes healthy people don’t make it to their retirement!
The more we talked, the more we liked the idea of accepting SSDI as an “early retirement.” Basically that’s what it is! Going on disability (SSDI) is equivalent to accepting what Social Security has to offer now, rather than waiting to see if I can retire and earn back what I have contributed. It is a tough decision. Social Security is much less than my current income. I committed to keep working as we knew it would take some time and planning to change our financial picture.
You see, two months prior to my MBC diagnosis, we bought a new house. It was a beautiful, 2-story house of 4,200+ square feet. We got a fantastic deal, so we bought it as an investment property. The plan was to keep it until retirement, and then sell it and downsize. It required two full-time incomes. We loved that house. It had a game room with a pool table upstairs, and a dark media room on the first floor with proper media furniture. That was probably my favorite room as we had a lot of family gatherings there to hang out. Well, I also loved my closet 😃 (the house has his and hers closets).
Reality pressed. We could not stay in the house if I wasn’t working. The options were limited: keep working, or begin the process of downsizing. Alternatively, Tim would need to take on additional work, which would defeat the purpose of spending more quality time together. It honestly took a while for me to accept the possibilities of not working. I admit this was a very grueling decision for both of us. It is a process, but we learned to trust the process.
Aside, when I was diagnosed with brain mets in 2018, and experienced the Gamma Knife in January 2019, the decision became easier to downsize and move toward disability. We both agreed that brain mets qualifies you for disability income 😂. We put our house on the market and sold it in May.
Three years have passed since my original MBC diagnosis, and we finally managed to pull the trigger. We downsized and moved into a smaller house in August. I do love our new home. It’s just the right size, and we got to pick out the colors. I finished out the year at work, then I informed my boss I would not be coming to work in January of this year. And as previously stated, I got my first disability check on May 11th.
God is good. He is faithful.
Hebrews 10:23
While I am now earning a small disability income, I still feel pretty good. I do get fatigued at times, but now I can lay down and take a nap in the middle of the day without feeling guilty, or worrying about whether I have a meeting to attend to. When I have scans, chemo, or doctor’s appointments I don’t have to take my laptop and work around it, stressing over whether I will have time to complete my job. I do plan on being around a while. My body is stable, but I’m still considered “terminal.” I will always qualify as disabled even without any progression of the cancer.
Looking back (which I only do on a rare occasion), this was the best decision we could have made. I have a new sense of purpose. I am able to work on projects that have been sitting on hold for years. I can spend time with my grandchildren, garden, cook, clean, and organize things around the house. I can play the piano, tap into my creative side, and simply enjoy the small pleasures of life. I can blog 😂. Most importantly, Tim and I are working on ministry opportunities which we can do together, to advance the Kingdom of God. This is my purpose.
Á la prochaine…until next time…
