The Caregiver’s Labor of Love
Don Harkey
My Story
The life of a caregiver can be described as both the best of times and the worst of times. When my wife Kathy was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I think my first reaction was one of total selfishness. “How was this cancer going to affect me?” “What would this do to our happy little life?” “Would we still be able to go out to dinner, go to the lake, or go on vacations?” “How would I work?” “Why has God chosen to put this burden on me?” The pity party had begun. Later, I felt guilty about my initial reaction. To some extent, I think Kathy had the same reaction. Her concern was, of course, on a much deeper more visceral level. Let’s face it—when your life is on the line, some of the day-to-day worries take on a vastly increased significance.
We had, of course, heard all the stories of the horror of chemotherapy, radiation and, finally surgery. I must say, hearing about it is just not the same as experiencing it. When treatment begins, there is indeed a large burden placed on the caregiver. There are endless hours sitting in waiting rooms for the innumerable doctor appointments, laboratory visits for blood draws, CT scans, trips to the pharmacy (they knew me by name), and sitting in the chemotherapy room watching those pretty little bags of horror drip into your wife. Then, of course, there is the chemotherapy aftermath—the inevitable vomiting, fevers, fatigue, and hair loss make the flu look like a case of the sniffles. These side effects underscored the knowledge that I could really do very little to help in any meaningful way. Let’s face it, moral support only goes so far. There is no easy answer to “Please make it stop!”
As a caregiver, the mental aspect of the disease is by far the hardest to face. In our case, hundreds of hours were spent researching various treatment strategies, clinical trials, and the latest breakthrough drugs that would provide that magic bullet. But by far, the worst part was going to the doctor for scan results. There is indeed joy in each victory. But when treatment appeared to have failed, we faced more emotional agony and, of course, more chemotherapy.
How I Got Through It
As time passed I not only accepted my role, but in some ways actually cherished the burden that God had placed on me. At least I was doing something! Kathy and I were a team and teammates work together through thick and thin. We celebrated our successes together and supported each other in our defeats. Cancer is the enemy and we waged war as one.
Action Items
Seldom in life is one provided the opportunity to be a total servant to another human being. It is a labor of love. When God calls on you to give yourself completely to a loved one, accept this blessing and meet the challenge head on. The rewards are forever and far outweigh any temporary hardships.
If you are a caregiver, do not unduly burden the breast cancer patient with the stress of the caregiver. Treatment is all about the patient, and this is one time in life when she needs your support. However, caregivers need support as well. Consider attending a support group specifically for caregivers. This is a place to share your burdens without adding stress to your loved one. In addition it is important to take time for yourself. Reflect on the life of a caregiver in the Comments section at the end of this story, noting some things you plan to do to take care of yourself as well.