Last Flight for Chemo

It’s not my last treatment, as I am a lifer, but it is the last time I will need to fly home from Vero Beach for my triweekly infusions. Tomorrow is our last service. Then Monday we will say good-bye to the staff. Or, as one parishioner so aptly put it while quoting Tigger, “It’s not good-bye. It’s TTFN.” I loved living in Vero Beach, and I imagine we will be coming back for visits from time to time. Good memories here.

The flight home was … interesting. It was a full flight with more wheelchairs than the norm, so boarding took some time. The incoming flight was delayed as well, so we had to clear a path for those deplaning. Orlando flights are always filled with children, some of them happy and some in need of a nap, so you never know who will be sitting beside you. I did get the extra legroom thanks to my Premier status, and I always hope for someone small. A child is not so bad, and we typically get along.

I was on the aisle, and in the middle seat next to me was not a child but a large gentleman who would, from time to time, break into a violent cough. He ordered a Bloody Mary for himself and his female companion in the window seat beside him. He downed the first one, ordered another, and fell asleep before drinking it. The full cup sat on his tray, with his hands snuggled beneath the tray, head slumping further and further forward as the flight continued. At one point the cough startled him and woke him up. His reflexive hands sprang upward, stopped short by the tray, and resulted in a Bloody Mary tray. How it stayed upright I have no idea, except for the grace of God, as it only spilled onto the tray and managed to keep the rest inside the glass. I don’t even know what goes into a Bloody Mary, but I was glad it didn’t take flight and make its landing on me as I envisioned the red stains would be difficult to remove. I sat with my hand over my mouth for most of the flight.

Tim, on the other hand, rode the motorcycle home. It took him two days, in the rain and cold weather. On the first day he rode over 700 miles, which he could not have done with me on the back. I wimped out, as he would say, and decided to fly home. The beginning of the trip looked promising, but the thunderstorm he rode through was reminiscent of some scary rides, so while I would have preferred him as a riding companion, I was glad I didn’t have to bear the storms.

Happy Birthday!

Thursday evening we went to dinner with two of our little JEDIs. Alison is turning FIVE on Tuesday, and we will not be home for her birthday, so we celebrated with dinner, a gift and some fun. All we were missing was a cupcake, so she made one with her play-dough and we sang happy birthday with her imaginary candle. What a great kid! I can’t believe our oldest granddaughter will be five years old. Time flies before your eyes.

Treatment yesterday went pretty smoothly. I was originally scheduled for the afternoon, but I had called and rescheduled to the morning so I could come to Dallas with Tim (he led a church Vision conference). And boy am I glad I did! A water main broke in downtown Houston, flooding 610, as you’ve probably heard. This resulted in at least two of MD Anderson campuses closing. They diverted many of their nurses and patients to The Woodlands where I go for treatment. They were starting to trickle in as I was waiting for lab techs. Who knows how long I would have waited if I didn’t reschedule to the morning? Whew! Crisis averted. My nurse was aware of our tight schedule, so she got me out in plenty of time to go with Tim to Dallas where we spent last night. He started the conference in the evening, and he is finishing up as I am writing this blog.

Last night was an interesting experience. We don’t see this very often. I was awakened at 3:38 AM to the sound of people talking. At first I thought it was a television set, and then I realized a couple was arguing in the room next to us, or in the hallway. I wasn’t for sure. He was cursing at her and calling her names for not letting him see his kid. This went on for a while so I called the front desk, who subsequently called the police. It did calm down, but I lost more than hour of sleep. They gave us our money back for the room, with several apologies. I was not the only one who had complained.

I woke up early and came to the airport, after dropping off Tim, saying hello to the church folks, and returning the rental car. I was on a much earlier flight than him to Houston (the same flight to Orlando), but the water main break resulted in my favor. I asked them in the United Club if I could get on Tim’s later flight. Because of the water issue, she moved me to his flight and didn’t charge the change fee. This made it worth my while to use my United Club pass, where I am enjoying free tea, soft drinks and snacks all day, in addition to breakfast and lunch.

It’s been a crazy busy few days, but one thing I know for sure is this…Christ came to this earth that we might have life, and have it more abundantly. We are living life daily and enjoying each step of the way. I don’t want people to see me. I want them to see Christ in me. It is His strength you see, not mine. It is His peace I feel. Without Him I would not feel very peaceful at times. It is His healing that touches my body. He is keeping me alive for a reason. No matter what your circumstance in life, give Him the glory. As we focus on Him we are at peace with all things…family, health, work, and ministry. God has it all in control.

Á la prochaine…until next time!

Sleeeeeepy

“Dear Sleep, I’m sorry we broke up this morning. I want you back.”

–unknown

I woke up at 3:15 AM to the sound of my husband’s lovely dreaming. After tossing and turning for an hour I decided it was better to get up and work than to lay there sleepless. 😴 💤 😑

Now I’m paying for it, of course… It’s been 12 hours almost to the minute since I first woke up. 😳

Technically, I’m not working. I’ve been helping out at the church, typing Employee Handbook and other documents for review. It’s been great to do ministry without the stress of actually working. I can say yes, or I can say no. I can do a little work or I can go to the beach and put my feet in the water. I can sit at Panera without the stress of meetings with learners or faculty at work. It has been so nice not having to work with all my scans, treatments, doctors visits, and wonderful travel to get there.

I’m not sure what will happen at the end of the term. Will I go back, or will I stay off…? “Early retirement” sure sounds good right now. 😊

We have a few weeks to decide whether I can handle it. 🥱 Now pardon me while I go take a nap…

Á la prochaine…until next time!

Sharing My Journey

When I was asked to share my breast cancer journey in the chapel at the church where my hubby was serving as interim pastor, of course I said yes! The date was set. We promoted it for a few weeks and I was really looking forward to sharing. But I got sick in the middle of the night…the not-so-good (is there any “good”?) kind of sickness. 🤢 🤮 💩 Whatever I ate the night before came out with a vengeance. I was in no shape to go to church or share my story. It was all I could do to climb out of bed and make it to the porcelain bowl. My sweet husband stepped in and shared his perspective. He’s been so busy, but he did that for me. I’m sure his side of the story was entertaining as well, but I knew I would need to set the record straight and correct some of his antics 😂.

So, a few weeks later, we tried again. This time I was not sick. I was actually feeling really good. I was fully prepared, and I even figured out the Apple TV so I could share some “never-before-seen” pictures of my cancer journey. I showed them my 2013 smiling face just before surgery, and the portrait of me with the “crown” screwed onto my head from the Gamma Knife a little more than a year ago. I was smiling in that one as well, but right after my doctor took it and showed me the picture, I broke into tears. Reality bites…

That’s how it is on this journey. It’s not a straight, uphill or downhill ride. It’s a supersonic roller coaster with surprise twists, sharp turns, sudden drops, and steep inclines. Sometimes it makes you want to scream, and other times you can’t help but laugh. It can be gut-wrenching and emotionally draining, while at the same time we often forget we are living with a serious illness. We just go on living.

I sometimes wonder how long the ride will last, but then that moment passes and life goes on.

We had a great turnout. The chapel was full…standing room only. I shared my journey, explained a few things about breast cancer and different types, provided some tips for caregivers, and most of all gave God the glory for my currently stable body. It was a great day. (My only regret is that I did not get a picture to remember the day. Hard to believe, I know! I did not take a picture.) 😃 😂

That is but a small and insignificant consequence of being fully on and fully present. Living life abundantly means glorifying God with my life, living each day to the fullest, engaging with people, and being mindful of how my life may impact those around me. I have since had several people come up to me and share how much they learned that they didn’t already know, how it helped them, and how it will help them to help others. Women have asked me questions which helps them to make better choices about their own health. A few people bought books, and others are probably reading this blog as soon as I hit the “Publish” button. I feel like this speaking gig was a success on many levels, and it gives me encouragement to continue to do more. If I can help even one person by sharing my journey, it is worth it.

Á la prochaine…until next time!

Test Results – PTL (Again)

Earlier this week I flew into Texas from Florida where we are completing our short-term assignment as Interim Pastors. Since we are out of state, I have been scheduling all of my scans, doctor visits, and treatment all in the same week. I am here from Sunday to Sunday. On Monday I had a bone scan, CT scan of chest, abdomen and pelvis. Tuesday was the Echocardiogram. A couple of days at home and playing with the grandkids was a nice reprieve. Today (Friday) I saw my oncologist and got my treatment. I was in a bed-room. Yes, I had a bed. 😊 Tim joined me this afternoon as we are here to experience the launch of our newest church plant this Sunday.

As stated in a previous blog, I had an MRI of the brain the last time I was in town, which seemed to indicate a new lesion on the left frontal bone of my skull (brain was all clear). Yet, the whole body bone scan completed last Monday showed continued stability, with no new growth. And the CT scans were also normal, with no lesions or new growth. Basically, everything is still stable! For that I am grateful.

As it turns out, the MRI was completed on a new machine in The Woodlands (I have been going downtown for these). The radiologist looked at the pictures again, and he amended the report. Instead of new lesions on the frontal bone, he saw lesions on the parietal bone, which is where they have been all along. It has something to do with the slices, and how they view the pictures. My doctor is on top of it. He admits he isn’t a radiologist, but he looked at the pictures and they didn’t look any different to him. He asked for the radiologist to look again, who then amended the report. Here’s what the addendum says, in case you need some reading material to put you to sleep 😂:

The reported enhancing marrow replacing lesion within the LEFT frontal bone on further review is actually in the LEFT parietal bone and when reviewed on the 3-D T1 post contrast imaging is seen to not have changed in size compared to the October 2019 examination. The apparent increase on spin-echo T1-weighted post contrast imaging is likely due to slice selection. The lesion is is best seen on the current study coronal 3-D T1 post image 91 where it measures 17 x 6 mm. On the 3-D T1 post contrast coronal imaging from the October 2019 examination, the lesion is seen and measures 17 x 6 mm.

This is all good news! Still stable. No new metastasis. No new growth. My blood work looks normal. Echo was fine. Now we have all of my scans in The Woodlands, so they can compare from this point on.

I am in the process of moving most of my other doctors and scans to MD Anderson as well. They now do colonoscopies and endoscopies right there in The Woodlands campus. My last colonoscopy was in 2016, so it’s getting close to time for that. They also have dermatologists, and it is time for my yearly skin check. Looks like this facility is going to become my one-stop shopping for all my preventative care. 😊

Á la prochaine…until next time…

Old Love

I witnessed old love at my aunt’s funeral today. Sixty-two years of marriage, and a few years of knowing each other before that left my uncle feeling a bit lightheaded and quite uncertain about the future, as well as unclear on what we were about to experience. One thing was clear…these two were very much in love. ❤️

I came to Ohio to ensure my uncle (my mother’s brother) had company on the nights before and after the funeral. I’m really glad I came. If mom was alive, she would have been the one to stay with him and keep him company. So, I came for her as much as I did for him. She would have wanted me here.

Last night I helped the family mount family photos on the display board, which would provide a gathering place for many stories during the viewing. Many memories were shared around the table as pictures continued to fill the display. More memories continued from some old pictures from my mom’s middle school photo album, of people and cars and houses. Pictures of ancestors to whom we could all relate.

One request she had was for the family (men) to wear suits. We got up early this morning, with plenty of time to eat and get ready. I had to check on him a few times. His frustration had mounted after numerous failed attempts to button the top button of his newly pressed shirt, which turned into changing clothes twice and a few meltdowns along the way. I managed to get it buttoned despite my own neuropathy ridden fingertips, only to have it unbutton itself a few minutes later.  Perhaps the tie will cover up the top button, he decided, and thus we left for a long day at the funeral home.

He insisted on driving, and I was not going to let him go by himself, so I rode with him in his Cadillac SUV rather than taking my car. He’s a pretty good driver for 84, quite frankly, although a bit slower on the reflexes as one might expect. This one thing continues to give him a sense of independence. He said the family should be there at 10:00 (viewing at 11 and funeral at 1:00), so 10:00 it was.

When we first arrived, he went straight for the casket. I gave him space to be alone with his wife, as we were the only two there. This is where I witnessed old love firsthand; it broke my heart to see them separated by the eternal mortality of life and death. He said several times through the sobbing, “this is the last time I’ll see her.” Even though he knows they will be together in Heaven one day, it is not quite the same. I was brought to tears as I thought of my own husband, and what he might have to endure if the cancer decides to take me Home. I saw an image of him sobbing over my body, feeling sad that he had to let our future on earth together end at this moment. 

Most of the time I was able to hold it together, and support my uncle with whatever he needed.

Several of my cousins were there, and it was wonderful to see them again, or for the first time. My first cousins, first cousins once removed, spouses, and close friends of the family.  I have not seen some of these people in many years, and I might not have recognized some of them if they were not introduced to me.  It seems I might even be related to the officiating pastor. He is related to many Centers out of Mount Sterling, Kentucky, so it is quite possible we are distant cousins.

I was asked to read the obituary, and so I did. Several friends and family gave some remarks, a couple of songs were played, and the pastor provided a message of hope to the congregation. The minister was confident my aunt was going Home based on conversations they have had in the past few weeks. He described her as a Proverbs 31 wife and was so glad to get to know them and support them in this time of need.

I regretted not having my car, as there was the question of how I would get to the cemetery from the funeral home when it came time. The family was riding in the limousine but there would not be room for me to ride. I was blessed with my cousin’s wife’s offer to drive her car, and even more thankful it had a good heating system. There was a light snowfall, barely visible, but cold enough to wear a coat and gloves and turn on the heated seats (if one had them). 

She will be placed in a mausoleum with her son who has been gone for more than ten years, and where my uncle will join her one day as well. The area was covered where we all gathered to pay our last respects and leave our handprint. The pastor’s message was brief. Psalm 23, another message of hope.

I chased the limo back to the funeral home, where lunch was waiting for us. The caterer prepared a nice meal of lasagna, chicken breasts, salad, mashed potatoes (comfort food), veggies, and some bread. Of course, there were cookies and brownies for dessert. I was glad to see my uncle eat a full meal, to know his appetite is back even if temporarily. 

As I write this, he is sitting in his room, their room of at least 15+ years in this particular house, their shared space for 62+ years, where he hasn’t come out since the funeral. At first, I thought he was changing clothes or taking a nap, but then I realized he was just sitting at the foot of their bed…staring…thinking…still dressed in his suit. I think he fell asleep while sitting there, staring into space. I did check on him to ensure he is okay, and I will continue to do so. I can’t imagine how hard it will be after I leave tomorrow. The house already feels empty without her here.

Á la prochaine…until next time…

Doing Ministry Together

Tim and I are in Fort Myers for the Annual Regional Pastors’ Conference. Well, Tim is here for the conference, and I am here to spend time with the wives. And what a great time is has been so far! Being a pastor’s wife is one thing, but being a regional pastor’s wife…well, that’s another whole way of doing ministry together (and some of us do both). Regional pastoring involves a lot more travel from church to church, less connection to a local congregation or single location, and much more interaction with church problems as well as solutions. Pastoring is more deeply connected to one body. We are currently doing both as Tim is regional pastor for Texas, while helping the church in Vero Beach through their crisis as their interim pastor.

Pastoring has its ups and downs, as church members don’t always appreciate the hard work pastors put into their congregations. Sometimes they get stuck, or plateau. Sometimes church members are less than cordial (to put it nicely). It’s always a blessing when the church blesses the pastor.

Regional pastoring is like the next layer if you put it into organizational terminology. It involves coaching and encouraging pastors, and supporting congregations in crisis as well as in mountain-top experiences. The job is challenging, frustrating, exhilarating, rewarding, encouraging, exhausting, makes you want to shout hallelujah and makes you want to quit all at the same time. Yet, we love what we do as we know God has called us to this type of service. While it is my husband’s “job,” I am very much involved in the support of the church, and we love doing ministry together.

The regional pastors’ wives get together so infrequently we often forget each other’s names in between gatherings; but once we start talking it is as though we never had a separation. Some have been here for just a few years, and others for as many as 10, 12, or more. I have been a regional pastor’s wife for 12 years now. I haven’t always had the pleasure of attending these conferences due to my work schedule. This was the first time I got to come and just enjoy some time with the others. No work to get in the way. Yay!

The strength and personalities of these women have amazed me from the moment I woke up and had breakfast with them today. Walking around the Outlet Mall and bumping into each other in various stores (while finding some great deals) was so rewarding. It’s such an honor to be in the presence of all these fascinating women, with whom we are doing ministry together. I have received a lot of laughter medicine over the past couple of days. Here is a funny story, told by one of the regional pastor’s wives who shall remain nameless (she did give me permission to share her story.)

In her younger days, she tried her hand at arts and crafts. She began making these angels out of wood and other crafty items. She attached a scripture about His angels watching over you. She gave them away and people even purchased these little angels. Years later she realized the scripture she quoted came from the words of Satan, who was tempting Jesus to jump off the mountain, not the original version in Psalms. Insert rimshot! 😂

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways…

Psalm 91:11

Á la prochaine…until next time!

New Lesions?

There always seems to be an underlying reminder that cancer is still in my body. I have Stage IV, Metastatic Breast Cancer (terminal), with mets to the bones, liver, lungs, and brain. The brain, liver and lungs are clear (praise God!), and my bones have been stable for quite a while. But last week’s MRI of the brain indicated some “growth” in a lesion on my left front of the skull. It’s behind my left eye.

I got calls from my oncologist today, twice, and he’s still waiting to hear back from the radiologist. I love my oncologist as he is so diligent about finding information and giving it to me. He doesn’t sit on his laurels waiting for information. He seeks it out until we know what we know. Here is what we now know:

  1. The brain is clear. No new lesions, and the old ones are gone.
  2. I have mets to the bones. When first diagnosed (2016), it was in my ribs, spine, and skull, but these tumors and lesions have either disappeared or stabilized for quite some time.
  3. I also had mets to the liver, lungs, and brain, which have also disappeared and stabilized over the past couple of years.
  4. There is a change in a tiny (1cm) bone lesion we never knew existed. It is in the front left part of my skull, but none of the reports prior to this one seem to indicate it was ever there, yet there is mention that it grew since October of last year.
  5. There is another lesion showing up in the right front part of my skull.
  6. All other skull lesions are unchanged.
  7. The radiologist will review all of my pictures for the past year or so and see when these frontal lesions first showed up, and hopefully provide us with ore information.
  8. I am scheduled to have a bone scan on February 3rd. The bone scan will tell us whether it is activity or a result of treatment.
  9. He has scheduled for some additional blood work on February 3rd to check my tumor markers. That should provide us more information on whether it is further metastasis.
  10. I am already being treated, so at this point he doesn’t think we will change anything regarding treatment, but we need to know what we are dealing with.

Here’s what we don’t know, and hopefully will find out from the radiologist after he looks at the sequence of pictures more closely.

  1. We don’t know whether I will need additional treatment or tests besides those already scheduled.
  2. We don’t know yet when the lesion first appeared.
  3. We don’t know if my left eye issues could be related to the lesion in my skull. It is directly behind my left eye.
  4. We don’t know if this is cancerous activity (increase in metastasis), or a result of treatment showing up on the scans, or how fast it is growing if it is metastasis.

I’ll keep you posted as soon as I hear more. I am not worried, and my doctor is not worried about it either. We will keep praising God, pressing on, living life, and deal with whatever we learn along the way.

Á la prochaine…until next time!

It’s Been a Long Week!

I’m back at the Airport, waiting for my flight. Yesterday back to MD Anderson, getting treatment. I learned the hard way you need to call your doctor and update the insurance in advance. This is the first time in ten years I have had new insurance, so I just didn’t think. I was fortunate they got everything approved for the week, but it was a bit scary for a few moments. It’s been a long week of doctor visits, MRI, and treatment. I flew in Monday morning and go back to Florida today. I got upgraded to First Class, so at least it will be a relaxing flight!

I got to see two of my grand babies several times this week. It was so much fun watching them play and hearing Paige say so many new words and phrases. She mimics as well. So cute! I didn’t get to see the others this week, so we are making plans for next time. Plane is about to board, so I’m off for now.

Á la prochaine…until next time!

My Big Toe Feels SOOOOO Much Better!

I’m so glad I’m not working this week! It is a full-time job just keeping up with my doctors’ visits. Further, every time I see someone they give me something else to do…or take.

I started the day off with a dental cleaning. Funny enough, I got lost. I know…Tim is shaking his head if he is reading this. I went down the right road; I just didn’t go far enough. Funny how things look so different when you have been out of town for a few weeks. At any rate…everything looks great! I do have some inflammation beneath my bridge, so she showed me how to clean it without the expensive of a water pick. If you have any ideas on a good water pick, please let me know! I also told her about the osteoarthritis in my right TMJ that showed up in my MRI. This is where I had pain a couple of years ago, went to a dental oncologist (yes, they have those specialists as well), who ruled out cancer mets in the jaw. If ever you get a scan, you will learn all kinds of things about your body you never knew existed.

“But I thought this post was about your toe?” You asked. Yes, I do chase rabbits a bit, but not so fast lately since my big toe has been in such pain (😂). Where was I? Oh yeah…the toe. One of the lovely side-effects of chemo is nail problems. That includes all 20 nails…not just a few. Some people lose their nails, but I have not lost them yet. I do have very brittle nails, and my fingernails split down the middle. And my toes get infected as the nails lift just a bit when stubbed, letting water in. I have become good friends with my podiatrist over the past several years with various problems related to my feet, toes in particular.

I won’t go into all the gross details, but my right big toe has been so sore lately. Apparently I had a deeply imbedded ingrown toenail. I have to tell you it does not feel good–correction–it HURTS–when you have an already sore toe and the doctor has to dig it out. 😲 I felt almost immediate relief after he was finished though, and I can actually sleep without the sheets hurting my big toe. More medicine, more processes to do, and another possible solution – open-toe sandals. Fortunately we are living in Florida for another month!

Á la prochaine…until next time…

Brain MRI and Left EYE

Yesterday I had my MRI of the brain. Fortunately, I still have a brain. 😂 🧠 I was so happy I didn’t have to drive downtown to get the MRI. Now that they have the machine in The Woodlands, I will follow-up with my doctors there. Much less drama! It is so much easier now that they have the little mirror inside. I slept most of the way through it, but I did have to squeeze the little ball about half-way through…I had to sneeze! 🤧

This morning I met with my eye doctor, to re-check my left eye. It has been getting much better since he prescribed the “miracle drops.” More drops continue. Also adding HydroTears (Flax). I took flaxseed for quite a while and then stopped, as I was trying to save on supplemental costs. Seems it was doing me some good after all. 🤔 I will put flax back on my daily list of supplements, and follow-up with him once more in February.

MRI of the Brain: Wednesday afternoon I heard the results of my MRI from a new PA in The Woodlands. My brain is clear, and no new lesions are forming. Praise the Lord! However, there was one result notated that made me tilt my head with a question. I’m still waiting to hear back from my medical oncologist as to what this all means. Too bad I didn’t have the MRI and then see him. The report described some lesions in the skull. I have a small lesion in the bone marrow on the left side of the frontal skull that was slightly bigger. The last reader did not mention it in October, but this reader noticed it had grown slightly (from 13mm to 16mm), so it is not new. I’ve had mets to the skull since the beginning, so this part is not a surprise.

There are multiple possible reasons for the increase. It could be the treatment is working, meaning it cleaned out the marrow and now the spot that was a lesion is now showing up on the scan. This is often the case with treatment to bone mets. If the cancer is gone, the bone can regrow. Isn’t God good? He made our bodies with the ability to self-heal.

It is also possible this could be an increase in cancer activity. The MRI is inconclusive as it primarily looks at soft tissue, so they will do additional tests to determine next steps. I have a whole body bone scan scheduled for February 3rd, which is my normal procedure every 3-5 months. I am not worried, as it does not do any good to add worry to the mix of everything else we are going through. Please pray this is a result of treatment and there is no evidence of active disease (NEAD).

In case you have been paying close attention, and are wondering, the doctor does not think there is any connection between the bone mets in the left frontal skull and the left eye problems I have been experiencing. I will mention it to my eye doctor, but it is highly unlikely as the mets are in the bone marrow.

If you want to know more about bone metastasis and what it looks like, WebMD has a good slideshow. Or, Click here for an image. You will see all the holes and rough edges in someone’s bone. Yes, this can be painful, and I do get backaches, but fortunately God has blessed me with a high tolerance for pain.

Á la prochaine…until next time…