Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought when my podiatrist told me. It’s a benign tumor of sorts, where blood vessels connect together and cause swelling as well as other problems. Women are more prone, and people on chemotherapy are also more prone to these issues.
Chemo…the culprit!
I have been struggling with my toes, toenails, and fingernails ever since I started receiving chemotherapy in 2013. I’ve already had surgery once to my left big toe to deal with severe ingrown toenails; but, I wasn’t actually expecting another surgical procedure.
I scheduled this appointment a few weeks ago, after waiting to see if they would get better. It never did. I won’t go into all the gross details because you can google it and see as many hideous pictures as your heart desires. Consider yourself forewarned!
Two toes bandaged in the picture were problematic. I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop on most occasions, or it would take a long time to stop. My toes are very swollen. The infection appeared to be taking over my left foot, and it was hurting to walk. So my primary doctor gave me an antibiotic (Reflex) last week. That was a good move, apparently, as these things can get out of hand very quickly.
I’m happy to say, it felt much better within a couple of days. The swelling in my foot went down and the pain went away. Praise God!
I need my feet, and my toes. I have enough trouble with balance as it is. I think I’ll keep them.
🤣🤪😜🤪😜😂
The surgery entailed numbing the toes, scraping out the tumor, and cauterizing the blood vessels. It’s all done in-office, and my appointment was over within an hour. I really like this podiatrist. He explains everything in detail, and has a good bedside manner as well. His staff are very friendly as well.
I learned something else today. Medicare covers a routine exam by the podiatrist every 10 weeks. Why? Because it helps prevent these kinds of things from happening. I will be on Medicate starting next year. At least, that is what I’m told since it will be 24 months since I was approved for SSDI.
Apparently, they learned from me too. I do love the fact I can still teach. I may not be teaching doctoral learners or counselors at the university as a faculty, but I am constantly educating people about metastatic breast cancer, stage 4, and what that means in terms of my treatment.
Public Service Announcement: If you have diabetes or neuropathy, you need to go more frequently to get your toenails clipped. Insurance covers this as well, because foot problems can result in very serious issues if left unchecked.
You may recall my treatment was canceled in February because they could not get the preauthorization from insurance in time. (They eventually did get it a few days later; I was told by Cigna it’s good for a year.)
So, today is six weeks since my last treatment. This requires a reload, meaning double the dose and a lengthier infusion. Plus I’m getting Zometa today for the bones, so an even lengthier day in the chemo room.
That’s all well and good. Yay, I’m getting treatment…or not??
BUT THEN… I get a call this morning from Dr. K’s nurse and she said I need to have an echocardiogram before I can get treatment, “I’ve scheduled one for you today, downtown at 11:00.” What?? I can’t just drop everything and go downtown. (Have I told you how much I detest going downtown? 😤😤) I have to work up to that trip. In addition, we have meetings this morning and I couldn’t get there in time anyway, as well as get back in time for chemo.
Besides, I already have an echocardiogram scheduled for March 30th. My cardiologist said I’ve “graduated,” and he gave me six months before I needed another one. The last one was in September.
“Yes, but it was September 4th. It’s been more than six months.”
Wow…they are really pedantic about six months. To. The. DAY.
So this started a series of “what if” questions, a flurry of phone calls, self-talk, and stress over whether I would be able to get treatment today. This may not seem like a big deal. At least to me it didn’t. Just go ahead and treat! But apparently it is a big deal.
Then my oncologist (Dr. K) gets on the phone. “What if you just come in tomorrow?” he presses.
Does that really do anything for us? What if I don’t get the echo in time? What if my cardiologist doesn’t clear me for treatment? Why did they wait until the day of treatment to tell me this? Why didn’t they have the preauthorization last time, until after treatment?
Don’t mess with our HOG Trips!!
If I don’t get it today, this disrupts our entire year of planning. We have identified the days I will have chemo, when we can travel, and when we will be at home. It’s not like I’m dying for crying out loud (or am I? 🙄).
I asked, “If I can’t get it today, can’t I just keep my echo appointment on March 30th and keep the chemo scheduled on April 6th?”
“Absolutely not. We don’t want to do that. We can’t wait that long.” There was an urgency in his voice. He continued with a discussion of the importance of this treatment, and how we should be careful not set any of our plans in stone. Always be prepared for something to come up, and be flexible with those treatment dates.
Try telling my hubby that 😔😔.
Dr. K. said he would try to get in touch with my cardiologist (Dr. I.) to see if it’s okay to go ahead with treatment today. He is concerned about my safety, and he wouldn’t want to jeopardize my heart. I was praying he could get in touch with him, because when I called my cardiologist they said he was not in today–probably doing some type of procedure.
Happily, Dr. K has Dr. I’s cell phone. Within an hour he was able to get a positive response. As long as I’m asymptomatic, continue to take my heart pills every day, and no swelling, Dr. I doesn’t see any reason I can’t get treatment today.
Whew! Crisis averted.
All kidding aside, I do appreciate my doctor’s diligence to keep me safe, as well as treat me for this awful disease. This did serve as a reminder that I’m not merely taking an aspirin each day. These are very heavy doses of immunotherapy (#chemonotchemo) that can be hard on the heart. So far I have been tolerating it well, but you never know what could happen in the long run. They have to be cautious. It’s also a reality check that without it, the cancer could rear its ugly head. We certainly don’t want that. 😳
At least I get a chemo room with a view. 😊
I’ve also come to the realization that I need to be my own case manager. When it’s almost time for a preauthorization, it will be in my calendar so I don’t miss another treatment. When it’s time for an echo, I’ll make sure my appointment is at least 6 months minus a couple of weeks, so we don’t echo this problem again. (See what I did there?)
God is so good. We don’t talk about finances much because we were both raised with a strong work ethic. We are self-sufficient. We take care of us. We trust in God, but we also do what we know is the responsible thing to do…pay our bills.
But—suffice it to say—cancer treatment is expensive! On a reduced income it can get pretty tight at times.
The good news… I just received a phone call from MDAnderson. When I saw the name on caller ID I assumed it would be the typical recorded voice. You know the kind.
“Hello, this MDANDERSON, calling to remind …
Lucinda West…
about an upcoming appointment on…“
I imagine you probably get those same recordings from time to time.
Well, this time is was a real person. She was calling from the pharmaceutical financial services team, about my outstanding bill. I don’t usually get collection calls from them, but again I assumed they were calling to collect. Tim and I were just discussing the balance so I took a breath to explain our plan on monthly payments…
But that’s not why she called!
Instead, she told me of some other news. GOOD news. VERY GOOD news!
Apparently the drug company (Genetech) that makes Herceptin and Perjeta has assistance for co-payments. (I receive these infusions every three weeks.) She will send me an email, and after I apply it should be approved nearly immediately. This will take a huge dent out of the large out-of-pocket expense we have been burdened with every year. This is a new program apparently, and it may only work for this year, but we’ll take it!
I am so grateful we get it now, because this year is especially tight since I am no longer working. I will have to pay for COBRA starting in July. And, we are starting our new ministry.
Just before the call, we were discussing whether this is the right time to start the ministry. With the pandemic, and the economy, when is the best time? But God seems to keep saying YES! This is another confirmation of his omniscient and omnipresent provision.
God is so good. If ever you are questioning whether He will take care of you…don’t! Yes, we need to be responsible. Yes, we should pay our bills, and yes, work for food. But we should not worry about it.
The sixth chapter of Matthew gives us much food for thought about worry, as well as God’s provision. Take some time to read it. You might also take a mental break to watch and listen to this song. Ask Him to show you the areas where you have a hard time letting go. Trust Him. He WILL care for you! You are in the hands of the God who made everything.
Please leave a comment below if you found this helpful. Perhaps we can support each other in our ongoing dialogue as we learn how to release our fears and let God have total control.
No, I’m not talking about the current cancel culture, although that would be a lively blog I’m sure. I’m writing about my infusion, which was supposed to take place today.
We had some wicked snow storms in Texas last week. It is the worse I’ve ever seen it. We got several inches and built a snowman! The snow stayed on the ground all week. MD Anderson was closed the entire week.
I can only assume they have been a bit behind on paperwork. I was caught in the cracks as my yearly pre-authorization was up and needed to be renewed. They tried to get the pre-authorization from my insurance company, but could not get it in time for treatment. We are leaving on a trip, so we won’t be able to get it until March. Then we have to reload…
It is what it is. It will be six weeks between treatments, but I feel fine. So I am not worried.
While waiting in the lobby for my name to be called, a woman sat next to me at an appropriate social distance. I was waiting for chemo, and she was waiting for her labs to be drawn. She appeared to be in her late 60s or possibly 70s, sophisticated dress and very charming. She was chatting everyone up, including the tall man who chose to sit across from us. She assumed he played basketball, then they had a brief dialogue about his high school football career. He seemed relieved when his name was called, and she wondered how he got in before me. 🤷♀️ I wondered, too.
Since I was the closest, we had the longest of conversations. I now know her female related medical history, why she is here, who she is seeing, and how long she has been in chemo. We share a disdain for going downtown for scans or treatment, and a common interest in the chairs on which we sat. She also inquired as to how long it took for my hair to grow back. She was wearing a wig, which seemed to fit her personality. It didn’t look like one, but I know how to spot them.
Her cancer is different than mine, but I get it. She is relatively new into the process, so I get it. Cancer is hard no matter how it is diagnosed or what type you have. We can’t bring anyone with us to the center because of the pandemic, so it can get a little lonely at times. Again, I get it. For a social butterfly, which she obviously is, I imagine it gets a lot lonely up here. I am glad I could help her pass a few minutes of her wait time. And, it was entertaining for me as well.
My name was called first. We exchanged pleasantries, and off I went.
I lost count on my treatment number. I think it’s somewhere around the 60 mark. Today’s nurse is very efficient. He just informed me today is number 58, and we had a discussion about whether that includes the original treatment (it doesn’t). He stays active. I should be in and out before lunchtime. Tim drove me down here, as he often does, but he can’t come in the building. We communicate via text messaging while he works from our local café. I’m sure you know which one that is. 😉
Sometimes I nearly forget I have cancer. We have such a good life, and I feel healthy most of the time. I am still able to do the things I love, and spend time with the people I hold dear. (It’s hard to get up and down, and my body has more aches and pains, but that could also be attributed to old age 😂).
When I sit in the lobby, I am reminded. When I get hooked up, another reminder. When someone sits next to me and talks about losing her hair, again I remember. I will always be reminded, but those are momentary when I compare it to eternity. I am a survivor, and I am a thriver. I do not lose heart.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
The nurses are hustling and bustling today. It’s the last day this MD Anderson center is open until after Christmas. Several techs and nurses have commented on how they are looking forward to the holidays!
In addition, the downtown center closed some of their infusion rooms to make room for COVID patients. MD Anderson just got the vaccine. They are the first hospital in downtown Houston to get it. My nurse said she is going down there tomorrow to get vaccinated.
On a “normal” day this center would treat around 80 patients, here in The Woodlands. Today, they have treated 127. I am one of them…tucked away, way back in the center. It was just luck of the draw as it happened to fall on Christmas week. Every three weeks…like clockwork.
In addition to infusion, I was seen by the P.A. We were both a little confused as to why I was here. I was just seen a few weeks ago, and I normally visit the doctor every 3-4 months. We finally decided it must be a follow-up from when I had pneumonia. She also asked where I get my annual physicals (pap and breast exam). I go to the gynecologist once a year, but she said they might want to start doing them here. 🤷♀️ She’ll check with my doctor when he gets back next week.
I gave the P.A. and my nurses some peanut brittle to thank for them for all they do for me. They were very grateful. My chemo nurse has two teen-agers, so I imagine they will enjoy it as well as her husband.
I’ve never made peanut brittle before, so this was another thing to check off my bucket list. It’s a miracle it turned out so good on the first try. Otherwise I would have resorted to store-bought cookies. I used the raw peanuts that you have to shell. Shelling the peanuts took longer than completing the recipe. Otherwise, it was quite easy in the microwave, thanks to a friend’s recipe.
This will be my fifthChristmassince my MBC diagnosis. They didn’t think I would make it passed the second when they first diagnosed me, but God had other plans! I am so blessed to have good doctors, and a great God who has brought me this far. It’s also my ninthChristmas since the first diagnosis in 2012. (I was diagnosed right before Christmas both times.)
I want to live life to the fullest. Every day is a new beginning, and a new opportunity to serve the Lord and fulfill his will for my life. This may require me to take risks, within limits of course, and try new things. I am open to whatever He has for me. We are starting a new adventure with our Airstream, and we are beginning a new ministry.
Every year I think of something new I want to try, see or experience. This year, it was peanut brittle. I’m finished with all the presents, wrapping, and even the stocking stuffers. Now I can spend the next few days baking, writing music, and enjoying the week before Christmas.
It’s official! I am no longer employed. (Insert Fanfare and clashing symbols.) Thus ends the last decade and chapter of my life.
I’m calling it “early retirement,” since that’s how it feels. I have previously blogged about being disabled yet not always feeling disabled, and taking time off for self-care. You may have read some of those. To recap, I have not been working as a full-time faculty this entire year due to my metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. I did work for three years from 2016-2019 while undergoing treatment, but I found I just couldn’t keep up the same pace I used to do. Workloads were increasing as well as demands, and there was no reprieve in sight. My body was constantly feeling stressed and needing a break.
Honestly, it’s a full-time job just keeping up with my doctors and scans and treatment. Some weeks I have three or four visits in a row. And while other weeks I have none, brain fog sets in or my back hurts or I get tired and just need a nap. I don’t typically complain about it, but it is reality. We decided it is better for me to spend the energy I have with the hubby, doing ministry, playing with the grandkids, and enjoying life rather than grading papers. The older I get, the more I realize the importance of spending time with the important people in my life.
“At twenty-one, so many things appear … permanent.”
Orson Welles
Through our 35 years of marriage, my husband and I have learned to value change and transition in life together. We began the process of downsizing last year in preparation for this moment. We moved to a smaller house and paid off debt. I filed for disability at the beginning of this year, which progressed from short-term to long-term to SSDI (Social Security Disability Income). Our income has drastically decreased, but we are making it. We have stepped out in faith to begin a new ministry, and we know God will take care of us. He always does!
Aside, long-term disability insurance is well worth it. If your employer does not pay for it but provides it as an option, take it! If you never use it, you are blessed. But if you need it, you will feel doubly blessed!
FMLA ran out in March, but my company kept me as an employee on an ADA accommodation in case I was able to come back. They wanted me to come back, but I don’t see how I could. It has been an emotional process, honestly. One spends a lifetime developing an identity, career, and sense of self. Admitting I have a terminal illness and will not go back to work has been a bit daunting. Yet, I know how important it is to take care of myself. I imagine the questions I have been asking are very similar to the a retiree’s experience, so I consider myself retired….
🤔🤔 What do I do now?? 🤔🤔
You’ve probably been our Airstream videos…so that’s one thing. 😁
In retrospect, I left my job at just the right time. God’s timing is always perfect, and I don’t know why I sometimes fail to listen better. He knew what He was doing when He prompted us to downsize and stop working in January. He knew the plans He had in store for me, plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)!
He also knew the pandemic would have been a challenge to navigate as well! In the last few months, as rumors turned into reality my employer started downsizing. One might think online education companies would be booming during a pandemic, but apparently people are not enrolling at the same rate because they are not working. It seems every change in these “unprecedented times” results in a very large snowball affecting many more people in its path. My university has gone through multiple changes — even more since the beginning of this year — which means heavier and heavier faculty workloads amongst other things that concern me. They started downsizing.
My separation from the company is voluntary. I’d love to tell you all about it, but I am bound by a confidentiality clause: “Unless required to do so by subpoena or as otherwise required by law, you agree not to disseminate or disclose the fact of or terms of this Agreement, the discussions leading to this Agreement, or any subsidiary undertakings required by this Agreement, except to immediate family, government agencies, legal counsel, or tax advisers as may become necessary.”
🤔🤔🤔 Hmmmm. It didn’t take long to decide. I would have been terminated anyway, due to my FMLA running out, so this was kinda a “no brainer.” I’d rather leave voluntarily. Suffice it to say, my full-time career permanently ended yesterday. Permanent sounds so…final. Perhaps my full-time job has ended, but I will never cease to learn and grow.
“We are by nature observers, and thereby learners. That is our permanent state.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
October 16th. My mother who is now in Heaven would have been 80 years old on my last day of employment. It was her birthday. Ironic how important dates seem to intersect across one’s lifespan.
I feel blessed to have worked for a company over the past eleven years that provides good benefits, in addition to working for previous employers who provided retirement benefits. As I said before, God is good and He will take care of me and my family. If there is anything I learned from my mother, it is to have faith in God. He will supply all your needs.
This may sound a bit strange, but in some ways I consider myself “lucky” to have this diagnosis (as opposed to alternative options). I feel pretty good overall (always subject to change, of course). I generally have strength and energy to do things I love. I get to spend time with my family, compose music, go on bike rides, write blogs, take walks, learn French, write books, travel, draw, enjoy nature, check off my bucket list, and do things I want to do. More importantly, I am looking forward to pursuing deeper meaning and purpose by listening to what God wants. I wish for the final years of my life to glorify the Lord, serve Him, and point others to Him…whatever I do. I may be no longer employed, but I will do the Lord’s work for the rest of my life.
“Whatever you say or do should be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, as you give thanks to God the Father because of him.”
We did it! We purchased a new recreational vehicle/RV. It’s a 2021 Airstream International 30RB-Twin to be exact. We are moving toward a new ministry adventure and it will be exactly that. I can’t wait to share the details of the ministry in a later blog, but for now I’ll share some details of the Airstream. Isn’t she a beaut?!
We pulled it home from DFW Airstream in Ft. Worth today, after signing the papers and doing the walk through. It’s intense folks! Lots of learning to do. A diesel would have pulled a bit smoother, but our RAM 1500 did just fine.
We were full-timers in a fifth wheel with our daughter and little dog back in 2012, just before I was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time (that’s the reason we came off the road). We have a working knowledge of the RV set-up, but it’s amazing how much you forget after eight years. Plus the Airstream has just a few differences compared to what we had before.
We knew we didn’t want another fifth wheel, so we were debating between a diesel pusher and a travel trailer. Lots and lots of reasons why we decided to go with an Airstream related to health, overall value, and what is available in the market right now. The RV industry is craaazzzzyyy! We had a hard time finding a rig, and when we did it was sold before we could get to Dallas. They had another one en route and since we had seen the inside of the other one we snatched it up. If we hadn’t, it would have been February before we could get one.
It’s hard to get Tim to do a video, but we made this brief video of us taking it home. Tensions were high as we had just pulled away from the dealership and it was a challenge getting out of there!
And here’s a silly video of the inside tour. I’m so glad we are going to be able to take trips together and do ministry together. More on that to come!
I just received the first draft sketch of the book cover for my children’s picture book, One Day I Tried to Rhyme a Word With Onomatopoeia! I am pressing on with publishing, but I decided to use a professional illustrator. I am so excited! Once the cover is complete we will be able to take pre-sales. The whole book should be published within the next two to three months. It is cutting close for Christmas, but I am hopeful!
Now that I am not working full-time, I am able to check off items that have been lingering on my bucket list, like writing children’s books. Do you have any to those? I’d love to hear in the comments below. If you could do one item on your bucket list in 2021, what would you do?
Á la prochaine…until next time.
In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
Abraham lincoln
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You may chuckle if you’ve heard this one before. About two years ago we bought a dually one-ton truck with full intentions to pull a fifth wheel, then something happened that changed our minds. I think the brain mets might have scared us at the time, or for other reasons the fifth wheel ended up not being the right choice. Timing wasn’t right and we traded the truck for a VW Atlas SUV. Who does that? 😂
That was then. This is now. We are no longer afraid of my diagnosis, nor our future. We are living life to the fullest. We are living life in the present, fully engaged in ministry together. We are no longer worried about my cancer coming back because, guess what, it already did! My body is stable, and there are lots of treatment options if anything recurs. Worrying and fretting does not alter reality.
“Don’t live in the past or future…make history.”
~Wally Byam
Like the RV industry, trucks are hard to find! It’s nearly impossible to find a good used one, and the choice on new ones is slim due to decreased production in the pandemic. We settled on a 2020 Dodge Ram 1500, equipped with the tow package. The color is Patriot Blue with a black interior. It has new technology so we can charge our devices on the road. After multiple trips back and forth, they gave us a better deal than the Ford dealership could offer us. It has a little ding on the passenger door, so they also threw in service for two years because they didn’t want to fix it. (This was part of the reason for the back and forth, as we were looking for one without the obvious flaw.) Once the papers were signed we ended up in a better position than our VW Atlas. My husband is a negotiating savant. Amazing.
They gave us a “We Owe” to add the trailer break control. This is a requirement or the Airstream dealer will not let us drive off their lot. After we signed all the paperwork we went to parts department who said these were on back order until December!! Whaaaat?? Yet another result of the pandemic and decrease in production. We were about to tear up the contract, but they managed to do some computer voodoo and find us the part. Whew! We will have that installed on Monday. Wow! What a drama…
We got it home and it barely fits in the garage…barely! But it does fit with a few inches to spare. They were true on their word. I may need to lose a few pounds to squeeze over to my side. 😂
If you read my last blog you will recall that we are fully intending to keep this one. I made Tim promise we would not buy a truck until we had bought an RV. 😂 We put down a deposit on an Airstream and we are not going back on this deal! We will reveal more about our new ministry in time, but this is the first step of faith toward following God’s leading.
“Taking a leap of faith is better than taking a leap of doubt.”
